The Most Fascinating Thing You Will Ever Read, Ever

So I cleaned the oven this evening.

Hey, come on. This is about the most interesting thing I've done recently.

Anyway, I was pretty much forced to, since a horrible-smelling, oily smoke would start to pour up from beneath three of the four burners on the stovetop whenever they were turned on. Here is the epic story of how I went about that.

Being occupied by bachelors, the house obviously has very little in the way of cleaning supplies. Fortunately, this also meant there was plenty of BPoI™ to call upon to get the job done despite that.

I used a dish sponge, the Lysol Bathroom Cleaner from the bathroom, and about three SOS pads. After lifting the stovetop to disconnect the burners, I found I couldn't disconnect the first one. It was simply attached to the wires but good. For that burner, I simply sucked it up and cleaned out the tray beneath it with the hunk of iron resting on my hand, one watchful eye on the burner's knob in case some ghost decided to reach from the ether and turn the heat on while both of my hands were busy scrubbing. Hey, you never know. Try cleaning a burner while it's still attached to the stove and watch how paranoid you get. The other three burners detached nicely, enabling me to clean their trays in the sink.

To say these trays were filthy would be an insult to actual merely filthy things everywhere. These trays were biological hazards. If you had to throw the trays out with the rest of a hospital's trash, they would have to be separated from the medical waste so that the waste would not be contaminated. As I scrubbed each one with an SOS pad, the offal would blacken the water. The water would be black as it circled the drain. Black! As the soap inside the SOS pad lathered up with my scrubbing, a thin gray sludge of water, soap, and whatever the hell was on that tray gathered in the bottom. It was disgusting; I began to think the previous tenants never once cleaned the stove.

By the time I was done with all three, the crud I'd cleaned out had almost clogged the drain filter. Fortunately, it's removable, so it met with the trash can and a good thorough shaking. I thank providence I didn't have to actually touch it. After soaking the sponge for a rinse wipe-down (and more black water, God, where did it all come from?) on each of the trays, I put them back and fired up a burner.

Success! No more smoke, aside from the cooking-off of what water was left in the tray. I finally got to prepare my macaroni and cheese without any danger of setting off the smoke alarm–at least, no more danger than what there normally is of that happening when I make mac 'n cheese.

I suppose though, for awhile yet, that every time we cook, it will smell like someone sprayed Lysol in the kitchen.